mllemusketeer:

robotmango:

awed-frog:

robotmango:

it’s ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, “i’m gonna go for a bike ride.” and i was like “why. no. why. don’t put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey. don’t do it.” so he says he doesn’t want to “hide in the house” because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. “the sun is shining” does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this morning

@robotmango, you need to work for the weather forecast – this was both hilarious and so vivid it made me stand up and get some iced tea.

this is a great idea, thank you. here goes. my audition tape for the weather channel. dearly beloved. we are gathered here today to have a fucking funeral for the outdoors. it had a good run, with all its creeks and clouds and shit. pretty great. now it’s ten-thirty at night but still ninety-two asshole-sweating degrees and humid as fuck. everything is hot and slimy, like being a “borrower” that got trapped inside a bottle of shampoo and then accidentally microwaved. you can see on my doppler radar that nothing is moving around out there because everything is probably dead. the only alive thing is the mosquito currently trying to drill a hole in my leg. no surprise that all the shitbag mosquitos are fine, since the thermostat of hell is always at the devil’s preferred temperature. this forecast has gotten away from me a little, but in conclusion fuck the sun

This.

awed-frog:

This is both amazing and profoundly irritating – the exact writing equivalent of that thing artists do – you know, how they’ll mess up anything that’s on expensive paper and planned in every single detail but get them doodling during a boring lesson and suddenly they’re Michel-bloody-angelo.

thotnoswillreturn:

ninja-kitty-more-like-no:

randomslasher:

plussizeappreciationfics:

arachnaboy:

sebsticles:

hexedgoats:

thotnoswillreturn:

voidsexual:

s-kaye-h:

s-kaye-h:

Okay so I love things with Peter and Shuri confusing the others with memes but consider this…

Steve Rodgers has been studying pop culture to try to “get with the times”. He probably doesn’t know how much the average adult knows, so this man has seen ALL of the memes, just because he thought that they were common knowledge.

Peter and Shuri: THIS BITCH EMPTY

Steve, without looking up from his phone: yeet

Peter and Shuri: I’d do anything fow you Captain Amewica-

Steve, without even a hint of malice in his voice: Then perish.

C A N O N

peter and shuri: mr. white wolf i would die for you

steve: Big Mood

Big mood

Shuri: I’m a lesbian

Steve, unbothered: I thought you were American

Shuri: So I’m sitting there

Steve, unbothered on his phone : Barbecue sauce on my titties

Shuri: And they were roommates–

Steve, not looking up from the article he’s reading, quietly: Oh my god, they were roommates. 

Peter: Road work ahead??

Steve, turning on his blinker: Yeah, I sure hope it does

steve, holding back thanos with his Bare Hands: iM a bAd BiTCH you CANt kill mEE

fairglenned:

Iconic Lines From Modern Media That Are Raw As Fuck

  • “ Bold of you to assume I still have a soul. ”
  • “ I am a monument to all your sins. “
  • “ I’ll do whatever you want. ”
  • “ Then perish. ”
  • “ Violence for violence is the rule of beasts. ”
  • “ To become god is the loneliest achievement of all. ”
  • “ I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me. ”
  • “ If the world chooses to become my enemy, I will fight like I always have. ”
  • “ I will face god and walk backwards into hell. ”
  • “ Everything that we know and love is reducible to the absurd acts of chemicals. ”
  • “ There is therefore no intrinsic value in this material universe. ”
  • “ All knowledge is ultimately based on that which we cannot prove. ”
  • “ Will you fight? Or will you perish like a dog? ”
  • “ Do you think God stays in heaven because he too, lives in fear of what he created? ”
  • “ Tell me the name of God. ”
  • “ Can you feel your heart burning? ”
  • “ Can you feel the struggle within? ”
  • “ The fear within me in beyond anything your soul can make. ”
  • “ You cannot kill me in any way that matters. ”
  • “ You kneel before my throne unaware that it was born of lies. ”
  • “ Violence in an art. Your body, the Louvre. ”
  • “ Even the godless end up worshiping something. ”
  • “ God wishes he were me. ”
  • “ One day, you will be face to face with whatever saw fit to let you exist in the universe, and you will have to justify the space you’ve filled. ”
  • “ Take this gift, for the gods surely won’t. ”
  • “ Impudent of you to assume I will meet a mortal end. ”
  • “ This is hell’s territory and I am beholden to no gods. ”
  • “ Bury me shallow, I’ll be back. ”
  • “ There are no gods here. ”
  • “ Do I look like the kind of person who dies? ”
  • “ God’s dead and soon we will be too. ”
  • “ I thought there were no heroes left in this world. ”
  • “ I’ve been through hell and came out singing. ”
  • “ Pick a god and pray. ”
  • “ Too many people have opinions of things they know nothing about. ”
  • “ Too many people have opinions of things they know nothing about. The more ignorant they are, the more opinions they have. ”
  • “ The more ignorant they are, the more opinions they have. ”
  • “ What is better? To be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? ”
  • “ Bold of you to assume I can die. “

clocktimustime:

shokveyv:

i like how in fanfictions, tarn’s room is depicted as immaculate, but you know it’d totally be this fanboy hellhole

tarn singing this sorrowfully to himself after megatron betrays the cause. touching each image of megatron tenderly before ripping them down.

Are those action figures of Megatron and Tarn holding hands?

Wait.

Are those Starscream’s original wings?!